


Into the Void

by bookstantrash



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Nessian - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29561991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstantrash/pseuds/bookstantrash
Summary: Nesta has been living in Illryia for quite some time, an intervention from her youngest sister Feyre that has proved to be futile, specially as Nesta's mind start to wander into darker places.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Into the Void

Nesta didn’t know for how long she had been running. She just knew that she had to get away.

It was too much. She had woken up that morning and something inside her had finally snapped. The silence in the cabin she now lived in – had lived for the past six months – had become too unbearable.

Too heavy.

It had all come crashing down on her with the force of an ocean. She had felt the walls closing in, her lungs fighting for air, and she just fled from the house, feet bare and wearing nothing but a cotton dress that did little to keep the cold away, even more now that the dress was at least two numbers too big on her.

But, as she ran through the Illyrian woods — branches scrapping her face, tearing at her clothes — she did not feel cold. No, when her feet touched the snow covered ground it melted. She felt hot all over, and she was leaving a trail of melting snow as she ran and ran, trying to scape something. Trying to scape _herself._

Nesta left the forest behind her and found herself in a cliff. She slowly walked forward, trying to catch her breath. The ocean was roaring around her, angry waves crashing below. Getting dangerously close to the edge, she looked down, the roar in her ears getting louder, the fire beneath her skin growing stronger… and then an ideia came forward.

What if…what if she jumped?

A fall from that altitude, together with the impact when hitting the water and the force of the waves keeping her down…. Nesta knew it would be impossible to survive.

The ideia of never resurfacing did not seem bad at all.

And she knew… she knew that if she went down nobody would even notice. Nobody would even _care_.

She didn’t receive a single visit from her sisters for the past six months. Not a single letter. And even her _babysitter_ – that overgrown bat that was supposed to be looking after her – did not talk with to her. Hell, she didn’t even see him most of the time. He’d often go to other camps to do Cauldron knows what or go on mystery errands ordered by his High Lord. He did leave food and blankets and everything that her body needed to keep working, but Nesta was otherwise utterly and completely alone. She was a ghost that haunted his home, that lived aimlessly, watching the days go by and the seasons change.

Oh, the idea of ending her life was a recurring thought, living rent free on her mind. But whenever she grabbed a kitchen knife or a dagger that he had left on her view, she always hesitated. She always thought, _“maybe tomorrow someone will write to me”._ Maybe Feyre will come to the camp and pass by. Maybe Elain will demand to see how her older sister is doing, if she has enough books to keep her mind sharp and occupied. Maybe…. maybe Cassian will try to talk to her. Maybe he’ll say more than _“There’s food on the top shelves”_ or _“I got another fur blanket”._

And so she postponed her idea.

However, the next day was no different from the one before. She didn’t receive a single letter or visit from her sisters. He didn’t try to engage in a more meaningful conversation. The ideia popped again but she dared to give herself one more day, trying to convince herself that tomorrow would be different.

It never was. Her days never changed.

And so Nesta stood very still on the very edge of the cliff, the dark ocean waters inviting her for a dive. She willed herself to take one step forward. Just one step. And then everything would be over.

She didn’t know for how long she stood there, looking down, forcing her body to make that last and final step. Her legs wouldn’t move.

_Coward._

_You’re a coward._

Her mind was screaming at her. Saying how hateful she was. How selfish she was. How useless she was.

_Coward coward coward coward_ her mind sang. Until she was trembling, until she felt her legs moving backwards instead of forwards, until she fell down on her knees in the middle of the now snow free ground.

Flames erupted around her, cocooning her in a ball of fire, shutting the world outside. But still her mind sang that same words.

_Coward coward coward coward —_

_“Nesta!”_

A voice. Shouting her name.

_“NESTA! NESTA!”_

Shouting her name like she had once shouted another a long time ago in a battle field.

_“NESTA!”_

The owner of that voice broke through the fire, and Nesta knew she should be worried, should be concerned about the burns and pain the person must be feeling, but the voices on her mind were too loud, screaming at her those same words: _coward selfish spiteful ungrateful—_

“Nesta…”

She felt strong arms holding her close, no smell of burned flesh or hisses of pain from the contact coming from the person who now embraced her.

From Cassian.

“Ness, I’m sorry. I wanted to give you space. I– I didn’t know what to do” Cassian said, his voice calming her, letting the voices fade “I’ll try harder. As long I’m here no one can hurt you. I promise you. We will have that time”

The fire around them slowly went down, that burning rage and power now a calm river within her.

And for the first time in a long time Nesta let herself cry.

“Ness, my Nesta…. if I could change the way you see yourself…. how the others see you….you’re enough Nesta. You’re everything. They don’t deserve you. _I_ don’t deserve you” Cassian’s voice was gentle, his hand caressing her hair while she cried on his chest.

Nesta didn’t know for how long they stayed embraced, kneeling on the ground. She cried and screamed and Cassian took it all, hugging her as if she was a little child. And when Cassian took her into his arms, getting up and opening his wings, before Nesta passed out from exhaustion she decided to give herself another day.

Maybe tomorrow would finally be different.


End file.
